The Legal Follies 2006

Edited by Martin Lasden
      Contributing writer: Robert S. Wieder
     
      Coming next: Class actions against authors whose books have been promoted as "good"
      In January a class action was filed on behalf of the thousands of readers who purchased A Million Little Pieces by James Frey. The book had been promoted as a memoir, but the author later admitted that large portions were fabricated.
     
      We can't wait to hear the testimony of his gynecologist
      A California man sued the Los Angeles Angels baseball team for gender and age discrimination because he wasn't given a free red tote bag at a Mother's Day game.
     
      Sounds like just another example of a squirrel going after a nut
      A Chicago woman sued a local shopping mall for $50,000 after she was allegedly attacked there by a "deranged squirrel."
     
      Another reason good fences?especially tall ones?make good neighbors
      In Rockville, Maryland, a judge ruled that though baring one's buttocks to a neighbor may be tasteless, it's not illegal.
     
      On the plus side, that bully at the beach has stopped kicking sand in his face
      In an article about the San Francisco police department's use of force, the San Francisco Chronicle ran a large picture of a man identified as Sergeant John Haggett, whose alleged use of force was described in the accompanying text. As the paper later admitted, however, the man in the photo was not Haggett, had never been a police officer, and had nothing to do with the story.
     
      Legal observers are divided on whether he'll be able to find a defense lawyer in L.A. to take his case before the Second Coming
      As film star Mel Gibson was being arrested in July for drunk driving, he asked one of the arresting officers whether he was Jewish. Then, according to the police report, Gibson launched into an obscenity-laced tirade accusing Jews of starting "all the wars in the world."
     
      Maybe this, at last, will put a stop to that terrifying spate of drive-by harpoonings
      The remote fishing village of Dillingham, Alaska, received a $202,000 grant from the Department of Homeland Security to install more than 60 surveillance cameras in its downtown area.
     
      Teen Wins Right to Simultaneously Offend Christians, Druggies, and Numerologists
      In March the Ninth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that the First Amendment protects a high school senior's right to display a banner reading, "Bong Hits 4 Jesus."
     
      Given that this was in Florida, the development actually added a note of dignity to the trial
      A federal judge in Florida came up with what he called "a new form of alternative dispute resolution" when he ordered two lawyers who couldn't agree on a trivial issue to settle their differences by stepping outside to play a game of "rock, paper, scissors."
     
      Also invoked were Justice Holmes's defense of high sticking, and Frankfurter's famous essay, "In Support of the Crackback Block"
      By a 6?1 vote, the California Supreme Court ruled that baseball pitches intentionally aimed at a batter's head are both a historic and an intrinsic part of the sport. As Justice Kathryn Mickle Werdegar observed in her majority opinion, "Some of the most respected baseball managers and pitchers have openly discussed the fundamental place throwing at batters has in their sport."
     
      We're not sure whether he was seeking damages?or royalties
      A DEA agent who accidentally shot himself in the foot while demonstrating gun safety to a group of schoolchildren in Florida sued the agency after a video of the incident was allegedly leaked to the public.
     
      In L.A. the closest he could come was an out-of-work actor wearing a Mr. Ed costume
      A naked 69-year-old man who had covered himself in oats was cited for animal cruelty after sheriff's deputies found him at the La Purisima Mission in Lompoc, letting horses lick him clean. The man reportedly told the deputies that this was a sexual fantasy of his and that he had driven up from Los Angeles to play it out.
     
      The court was moved by an impassioned amicus brief from the Danish Lobster Restaurants Alliance
      In Kolding, Denmark, a museum director was cleared of animal cruelty after allowing a display that gave visitors the opportunity to turn on blenders that were filled with water and live goldfish. "The fish were killed instantly and humanely," the judge said.
     
      No, sir, you misheard?the insurance company didn't tell you to go sue yourself ...
      When a Lodi city dump truck plowed into a car, the car's owner sued the city?even though he was the one driving the truck. The city denied the claim on the grounds that the man was essentially suing himself.
     
      Coming this spring: the "Tickle Me Scalia" doll
      The Supreme Court bobblehead doll craze reached a new high in July when a Washington, D.C., lawyer paid $2,100 for a limited-edition, eight-inch-tall bobblehead of late U.S. Chief Justice William Rehnquist.
     
      "I don't want our kids eating anything that sounds like something you'd see in a Swedish porn film," he declared angrily
      In Massachusetts, state Senator Jarrett Barrios announced that he planned to file legislation that would prohibit schools from offering their students Fluffernutter sandwiches as the main meal of the day more often than once a week.
     
      "And be sure to tell him to bring his handcuffs"
      A woman in Aloha, Oregon, was charged with misusing the emergency dispatch system when she called 911 to ask about a "cutie-pie" deputy who had knocked on her door earlier to investigate a noise complaint. "He's the cutest cop I've seen in a long time. I just want to know his name," she told the dispatcher.
     
      Evidently, there was a kernel of truth to his story
      A former popcorn factory worker settled a lawsuit that blamed his lung disease on the butter flavoring used in microwave popcorn. The settlement ended the factory owner's appeal of a $20 million jury award.
     
      And if you were white, male, Protestant, and straight, well, life must have been pure hell
      Officials in the gay resort town of Provincetown, Massachusetts, held a series of meetings last summer to curb intolerance toward heterosexuals.
     
      He was still easily beaten by Archie "Free Beer for Everyone If I Win" Jackson
      A Tennessee man who ran for governor as an independent legally changed his middle name from "Leroy" to "None of the Above" in the hopes of appealing to disenchanted voters.
     
      Suspicions were aroused when he kept asking witnesses, "Was it good for you too?"
      A former judge in Bristow, Oklahoma, was sentenced to four years in prison after his former court reporter testified that during at least four trials he used a penis pump on himself.
     
      Homeowners also have their choice of brick, stucco, or life
      In Euclid, Ohio, the city council passed a law that could put homeowners in jail for up to six months if they use anything other than curtains or blinds to cover their windows.
     
      That's what she gets for driving the new Volkswagen Mouse
      In Fairfield, Connecticut, an animal control officer placed a restraining order on a cat named Lewis who had allegedly attacked a dozen people, including a woman who said she was ambushed as she was getting out of her car.
     
      "No, no?I said it's for dynamite sex"
      A 29-year-old man traveling with his mother was, according to officials, so desperate to keep his mother from learning that he was carrying a sex gadget that when a security officer at O'Hare International Airport asked about the device, he told him it was a bomb.
     
      City officials are at a loss to explain the mass exodus of plumbers
      A Dallas city council member called for a citywide ban on baggy pants. "If all citizens, regardless of race or gender, understand in the city of Dallas we refuse to let you walk around with pants showing your buttocks, that's a message for all people," he said.
     
      Because a hasty, sloppy, and rude demeanor just screws up your aim
      The New York Advisory Committee on Judicial Ethics ruled that judges can carry guns in the courtroom, as long as the judges are "patient, dignified, and courteous."
     
      If you can't trust a Sudanese chop shop, whom can you trust?
      Carlos the Jackal, once known as the world's most infamous terrorist and now serving a life sentence in a French prison, sued the intelligence officer who captured him, claiming that he was kidnapped on foreign soil after being sedated for a liposuction procedure in a Khartoum clinic.
     
      Unless you count Gates
      An accused counterfeiter was arrested in Los Angeles in March after investigators found a stash of $1 billion bills. The critical flaw in the scheme: There is no such thing as a billion-dollar bill.
     
      Using parallel logic, every time Qaddafi makes a public statement, he owes a royalty to the Planters nut company
      Libyan leader Moammar el-Qaddafi proclaimed that, because Coca-Cola is made in part from African plants, the Atlanta-based company owes his government a percentage of every can or bottle sold on the African continent.
     
      We just hope the job comes with a driver
      In New Jersey a state Senate committee approved the nomination of Zulima Farber to become the state's next attorney general, even though she had 13 speeding tickets on her record. Farber conceded that her driving problem "probably requires psychoanalysis."
     
      Because good health coverage is important when your hobbies are cooking meth and knife fights
      In Stockholm, Sweden, the local chapter of the Hell's Angels found itself under investigation after authorities found that one doctor had certified 70 percent of its members as depressed, making them eligible for state-paid sickness benefits.
     
      Furthermore, Mom couldn't carve a decent shiv if her life depended on it
      After serving two years in an Austrian prison for theft, a 23-year-old man was arrested again?this time for trying to break into the prison. "Life is so much easier on the inside," he said. "They feed you, do your washing, and let you watch TV, which I can tell you is a lot more than my mom does."
     
      As further punishment, he was ordered to become a Giants fan
      The state's Commission on Judicial Performance admonished a Riverside County judge in August for making jurors in a double homicide case wait a day before delivering their verdict so that he could attend an Anaheim Angels playoff game.
     
      Although she occasionally wonders if he really only loves her for her cheese
      In Sudan, a council of elders decided that instead of taking a man who had just had sex with a goat to the police, they made him marry the goat and pay the goat's owner a dowry. At last report, the man and the goat were still together.
     
      No Guile Left Behind
      After American Indians won a $7 million judgment against the U.S. Department of the Interior in an ongoing dispute over missing royalty payments on Indian lands, the department came up with most of the money by cutting Indian programs.
     
      "Him is just the calmest, most laid-back doggums in the world, isn't him?"
      A former executive director of the Humane Society in Oceanside was charged with fraud for using the organization's authority to buy 3,600 Vicodin tablets, which she said were for her dog.
     
      Feeling betrayed, the International Muggers, Pimps, and Dealers local #146 immediately withdrew its endorsement
      As a candidate for lieutenant governor, New York state Senator David Paterson said he regretted introducing legislation for 14 years running that would have made it legal for suspects to physically resist police.
     
      The White House issued a statement denouncing his statement as "a cheap shot"
      Prominent forensic psychiatrist Park Dietz told USA Today that one way he distinguishes the legally sane from the insane is that the sane think they're acting on orders from Satan, while the insane think they're being spoken to by God.
     
      Back on the menu: crappuccino
      Ireland finally repealed a law dating back hundreds of years that made it a crime to adulterate coffee with sheep dung.
     

---