Appreciation and words of encouragement for single moms

The noteworthy book "Lean In: Women, Work, and The Will to Lead" by Sheryl Sandberg, prior COO of Meta Platforms, states that the most important career choice you'll make is who you choose to marry. I understand the point that one's success can be largely helped by a supportive significant other. I do not disagree. However, for those of us who are not married, this advice is not completely applicable. (Side note: Ms. Sandberg later acknowledges this oversight in her follow-up book "Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy.") Nevertheless, the single moms in this industry are finding ways to succeed.

According to the 2022 U.S. Census Bureau, a little more than half of single mothers were never married and about a third are divorced. "One-parent Unmarried Family Groups with Own Children Under 18, by Marital Status," Table FG6, U.S. Census Bureau. Thus, there are now more mothers who for various reasons have children out of wedlock, including adoption, personal choice or circumstances. Further, one in five children under the age of 18, a total of about 15.7 million, live with their mothers only (while 3.4 million children live with their fathers only). "Household Relationship and Living Arrangements of Children Under 18 Years, by Age and Sex," 2022, Table C2, U.S. Census Bureau. And statistics show that there are around 10 million single parent families with children under the age of 18, of which 80% are led by single moms. "One-parent Unmarried Family Groups with Own Children Under 18, by Marital Status," Table FG6, U.S. Census Bureau.

Hopefully we continue to move away from the construct that success and leadership in our profession is largely limited to those who appear to have the traditional family circumstances, i.e. being single without children or having a significant other at home to care for the kids. And, in turn, we can move away from the customary presumption that one with children is married, which mitigates the commonly asked and assumptive question of "what does your husband do?"

It already has been demonstrated that women - particularly women with children - encounter challenges and barriers to advancement. There are numerous studies that compare hiring, assignment, promotion, and compensation disparities between women and men, plus the number of women relative to men elevated to leadership positions in upper level management or partnership. Common barriers for mothers include the constant struggle to balance family obligations with career goals; facing unfair and/or unconscious barriers about commitment; and resentment for needing flexibility or going on leave.

We must redefine what the modern lawyer looks like. It no longer only looks like Perry Mason. The profession is becoming more diverse. To support the success of single mothers, we must strive for a legal bar that breaks away from traditional stereotypes. We should applaud and encourage the single mom (and dad) attorneys who are adeptly practicing law while also raising the next generation. And we should adopt work practices that allow room for advancement and success. After all, these are lawyers that are inherently driven, resilient, and dedicated to making a difference. The single motherhood tears down societal norms or expectations and advances a more diverse and inclusive profession.

The following are some practical tips for supporting single parents:

1. Find Work Flexibility - We need the flexibility to occasionally volunteer at school or be present at a school event. Those in positions of authority should understand and support this notion, and those that adopt part-time, flex-time, remote technology, or hybrid work arrangements will be more attractive to the parenting workforce.

2. Establish Boundaries and Balance - There are undoubtedly limitations to hours in the day. Because of the demands of both motherhood and work, every decision on allocation of time is important. Multitasking and prioritization of tasks are necessary skills. Establishing boundaries on your time and commitments is critical to avoid inadvertently dropping important things off the table by using time and space for other less important things. My colleague, Debra Wong Yang, a partner at Gibson Dunn and retired judge states: "The combination of trying to build a successful private practice while balancing raising three children on my own required a few key ingredients: efficiency in everything, organizing so not a minute was squandered, trying to be present with the kids when I was with them, and multi-tasking intensely. One key item was that I always let my children see my workplace and feel integrated with my work life so they would understand that we were a team. It has helped them grow into mature young women who each say they got their 'work voices' from hearing me on so many conference calls over the years."

3. Be Kind to Yourself - There may be times when you compare your presence and engagement in your child's life to the stay-at-home parent. In these moments, remind yourself and simply accept your decisions and your personal circumstances. Give credit to yourself for the accomplishments you achieve every day as a mother and career woman. As my colleague Evie Jeang, managing partner of Legal Law Group, states: "Love yourself as much as you love your child."

4. Embrace Child Engagement - You need not do everything yourself. In fact, engaging children to help with chores and to take care of themselves goes a long way to developing empathy and responsibility for the child.

5. Lean on Your Support Network - Professional success is largely dependent on the support and assistance of others. For a single mother, this could be in various relationships that are cultivated to form the village that is committed to supporting you and your family. I am deeply grateful for the kind school parents who give me the highlights of PTA meetings or lend a helping hand with a task. Do not be afraid to ask friends and family for help, including assistance with pick up/drop off, or attending certain children's events. In addition, it has been particularly important to me to have good male role models in my children's lives, of which I seek in friends and family members.

6. Maintain Your Schedule- This is a no-brainer for any parent. Without maintenance of an accurate and dynamic schedule, we would not be able to work and mother.

Juggling work deadlines, court appearances and/or client meetings while also raising a child is no small feat. It requires nimbleness, a support network, creativity and hard work. During the hard moments, remember that you are growing as a resilient and successful lawyer and being a great example for your child. And, ultimately, I am confident that children of single parents are just as loved, seen, and successful as those raised in a dual parent household.

Cyndie M. Chang is managing partner of the Los Angeles office of Duane Morris LLP.