Working moms on having it all

You’ve always wanted it all, but you’ve been told you can’t have it all. There’s just not enough time, money, or energy. If you were younger, perhaps you would have more time and energy. If you were older, perhaps you would have more money and time. You can envision a future in which you have it all—when the time, money, and energy circles overlap to form an elusive triangle in the Venn diagram of your life—but that future never seems to meet the present.

My friends, many of whom are moms and practicing lawyers, and I routinely discuss our infinite mandatory responsibilities and limited discretionary time. “I would love to catch up in person, but my to-do list is long and getting longer. Are you free eight weeks from now?” All of us have approaching deadlines at work, endless chores at home, and a variety of humans who depend on us. Sometimes I’m texting them on my 5:30 a.m. walk before the morning rush; other times I’m talking to them on my 15-minute drive home before the evening rush. Our practices are different, but our lives are similar in that we’re running a race from sunup to sundown.

Each of us wants it all and—despite all the talk about our overdemanding lives and the undersupply of time—each one of us has it all. “All has different meanings to different people and, for each person, it takes on different meanings at different stages in life,” explains Diana Weller, a partner at Weiss Serota Helfman Cole + Bierman, P.L. While it doesn’t come easily or quickly, it’s possible to have it all—just make sure it’s your definition of all and not someone else’s.

I’m married with two children (ages three and seven months) and, at this point in my life, having it all to me means litigating intellectually stimulating cases, having dinner with my family nightly (during which I don’t answer calls or check email from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m.), and reserving 30 minutes of my lunch break for a midday workout. Some days, to maintain it all, I’ll continue writing a brief after my children’s bedtime, order takeout, or take a conference call while on a walk.

This may not seem like having it all to my dink friends who are checking off restaurants on Eater San Francisco’s various lists weekly and jet-setting to exotic locales quarterly—and that’s perfectly reasonable. All is personal and fluid. “Each person has to try to create it for themselves,” Mengmeng Zhang, counsel at Dentons, stresses. If you haven’t already, define what having it all means to you.

In speaking to a few of the women attorneys in my life—the ones who balance their professional and personal lives like experts and effortlessly transition between independent woman, mom, wife, leader, colleague, and friend—each of them offered similar advice for having it all:

Take care of yourself first

Women often put others’ needs and wants, such as those of their children, spouse, or parents, before their own. They schedule doctor’s appointments for everyone else but wait years to visit a doctor for themselves. They must learn how to put themselves first.

There’s a reason why airlines instruct us to put on our oxygen mask before helping those around us during pre-flight safety demonstrations. Taking care of us first allows us to better take care of the ones we love. “It feels selfish, which is the opposite of a mother’s instinct, but everyone else’s life is better if a mother is happy and healthy,” Zhang reasons.

Aim for simplicity

Several years ago, the Wall Street Journal published an article on decision fatigue, which reported that the average American adult makes a mind-blowing 35,000 decisions a day. Jim Sollisch, “The Cure for Decision Fatigue Opinion,” (2016), https://www.wsj.com/articles/the-cure-for-decision-fatigue-1465596928 (last visited Jun 5, 2024). It’s no wonder, as the CEO of our households and the ultimate decision-maker, we sometimes feel overwhelmed and unfocused.

We should aim to simplify our lives where possible. Anupama Reddy, counsel at Google, advises to “accept that you only have the mental wherewithal to make a certain number of decisions every day—try not to waste those decision-making juices on tasks that don’t necessarily need your creativity.” To reduce her decision fatigue, she eats the same breakfast every morning and pared down her wardrobe. The fewer decisions we must make, the more thoughtful we can be with the ones we undertake.

Draw boundaries

Our work calendars are regularly filled with deadlines, meetings, and court dates. It’s easier than it has ever been to be connected and working 24/7. All of us have experienced months where we’re just trying to make it through fact discovery, summary judgment, or trial preparation and trial.

Given that we’re always a swipe and a touch away from our email, it’s critical to draw boundaries between our personal life and work life. “Identify and prioritize non-work activities that are important to you and set boundaries to protect those activities,” Weller rationalizes. “For me, it’s quality family time and exercise. Not everything at work is an emergency. You have to allow yourself time away from work to focus on these activities that are important to you and not feel guilty about it.”

Adopt a long-range view of “balance”

During hyper busy or intensely difficult periods of our lives, we question whether we, in fact, have it all because work (or another hardship) is tipping the scale. Dena Sharp, a partner at Girard Sharp LLP, agrees that you can have it all, “but maybe not all at the same time. And maybe not always with a lot of sleep involved. Sometimes we have to schedule our priorities instead of prioritizing our schedule.”

Bear in mind that “balance” ebbs and flows. “One of the things I try to remember is that work-life balance does not have to be measured in the span of a single day or week.” Lin Chan, a partner at Lieff Cabraser Heimann & Bernstein, LLP, reminds us. “Like a good regression, it is measured based on averages over time.”

Find your tribe

After practicing law for 13 years, I realize that one of the main reasons I can have it all is because of the strong, multilayered support network in my life. My husband and I have families that are local to provide regular help and backup help with our children. My friends at or through work get me through workdays and litigation cycles. And the working moms in my life and I act as each other’s soundboards, celebrate each other’s wins, listen to each other’s struggles, and share extensively—from interesting court orders, to baby clothes and toys, to household items (because, really, does any single group of friends need more than one waffle maker or oversized cooler?). Finding your tribe after you’ve graduated from school can be challenging and slow, but it’s so worthwhile. Don’t give up on it.

To all the working moms out there who are doing it all, keep doing what you’re doing. Don’t forget, it’s always a good time to have it all—personally and professionally.